Sunday, July 3, 2011

And the rug is pulled.....

You know the feeling as a rug is pulled from under your feet...... then as your trying to regain your footing and pull yourself up you keep getting knocked back down......
That's been my life the last few weeks.

I'm typing this sobbing/singing along with Adele.....

But I'm ahead of myself.......
I won't go into detail but my family is the middle of crisis, related to my sister, charges are involved, a called off wedding (it was supposed to be today).  Said sister is staying EVERY day during the day here. We can't spend that much time together in the best of circumstances without wanted to kill each other. Now add in emense amounts of stress, fights, tears. 

Add to that, my ex husband is appeal a decision reguarding our child support that was made at an administrative meeting in April and I get to appear in court now on August 1st.

I've been leaning on Jordan as my support through all of this in the last couple weeks.  I have been an emotional, clingy, over sensitive mess........ Apparently, it was too much........ He was supposed to come over today for my family's unwedding gathering.... He never showed and at 9 when I ask he said he didn't feel well and wouldn't be out.... This lead to a call. He said we needed to talk but he didn't want to over the phone. I pushed because I knew something was up and I knew I'd never get any sleep if I didn't ask and find out.  Turns out.... He doesn't think he's ready for a serious relationship like we have. We moved too fast. It's all him, none of it is my fault (says he).  He still says he's not going any where but doesn't know what he wants. He's been questioning things for the last two weeks apparently.   There's a wedding on the 27th that he'd still like me to attend with him. I don't know what this means.  I'm a complete sobbing mess tonight.

I swore I'd never let myself fall fast again. I let my walls down, and then.......

I thought he was it for me. We had the same beliefs, political views, humor, movie tastes, etc...... I'm so hurt, sad and confused.

He called back after our talk and said he wanted the night to think and he'd talk to me tomorrow or come over or something.....

I have no idea, I just feel lost.......

so I'll sit hear a little while long with Adele on my Ipod with tears streaming down my face and pray.